**Related: 13 Things Introvert Moms Need To Be Happy. Required fields are marked *. This way, you’re not assuming anything about the other person, which could cause them to become defensive. Value yourself and your time. Even if your family is relatively happy and functional, there might still be members of that family that routinely cross the line or that simply treat you in a way that you would prefer not to be treated. Once you give yourself permission to feel anger and realize it's actually there to help you defend your boundaries, you'll begin to recognize the signs more easily. “There’s the really aggressive side that has this attitude of ‘F the world, I'm gonna be who I am and put it in everyone's face.’ The other side is more gentle and feels more like ‘I’m gonna redirect this person's energy and still take care of myself.’ There is a lot of room for variation between those two ends of the spectrum.”. Dropping hints or being passive aggressive about your boundaries is the worst way to make sure that anyone understands what they are, especially because many difficult family members are difficult expressly because they are careless. So now that we have established why boundaries are necessary and beneficial for all, let’s talk about how to set boundaries and enforce them. If there are not members of your family who can help you with this, find people outside the circle of your family. Learning how to set healthy boundaries and maintain them is how you make space to properly care for yourself. Especially if you are normally people pleaser. But be sure to follow the next step…. When you’re angry with your family for violating your boundaries, it may be tempting to lash out at them and stop talking to them or limit your interactions as a form of revenge. Your email address will not be published. “‘No’ is a complete sentence,” Hamilton says. For instance, boundaries with a newborn are mostly non-existent. […]. "You're pushing a lot of stuff inside of you, and that feels real.". I’ve been there and it is not fun. When there is a sudden change, it may take your family a little bit to adjust. There are going to be times when you are tired and you just want to give in. What has been the most challenging part of maintaining those boundaries? Here are nine ways to do exactly that: Often, people will avoid building boundaries because they are afraid about hurting the other person, despite the fact that the other person does not appear to grant them the same courtesy. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. This doesn’t mean that you are being mean or unkind to anyone, it just means that you are honoring your own needs first. Right now, you have two choices. So, over time, you'll start to recognize the signs a boundary has been crossed in your body. No one else can make you do or feel anything. If there are members of your family that do genuinely value you, seek them out and use them to help you set boundaries with the family members that don’t seem to value you. If they still persist after this or you need something stronger, you could stop speaking to them for a certain period of time. 2020 Bustle Digital Group. Your boundaries will be meaningless to the other person if there are no consequences to crossing them. "Our bodies and brains and nervous systems are a big blob of information, and we have our instincts built into these systems," Hamilton says. For instance, if you’re a work at home mom and you have a boundary that you are not to be disturbed during work, the natural consequence could be that you do not respond when you’re kids try to get your attention. I didn’t demand respect for myself. Not everyone is used to having people around them set boundaries, so they may react negatively when you do. Anger or defensiveness will only rile them up and cause them to lash out at you. Enforcing boundaries also helps kids feel safe. Be realistic with yourself about how much time feels tolerable to you with that difficult family member and in what situations you are willing to see that person. Setting boundaries doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be callous. “Especially for female-bodied humans, there are a lot of messages of emotional labor and caregiving and responsibility.”. Many difficult people get away with being difficult because no one stands up to them. "But people ignore it because they're taught it's not safe to be angry." That also doesn’t mean that you won’t upset people, because when you start setting limits with others, they likely won’t be happy about it. But as your kids get older, you can set more boundaries. Want To Learn More About How To Set Boundaries? Stand up for yourself! The boundaries you are able to set will really depend on what stage of motherhood you are in. Lori is a Therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker who provides counseling, support groups, relaxation and stress management techniques to support patients and caregivers through treatment. Tell them that together you want to set down a set of boundaries that will become the rules the family will live by. Now that we have established how to set boundaries, I wanted to share some examples of boundaries that will protect your time, energy and sanity so that you can meet your own core needs. It also enables you to stand your ground and to regain control of the situation. This could lead to arguments that could be avoided by simply being consistent in the first place. Many of us grew up learning that saying “no” isn’t polite or safe, but it’s completely fine to say, “I feel uncomfortable,” “no, this is inappropriate," “no, I'm leaving," or “I don’t want to have that conversation,” Hamilton says. Couple that with all of the messages we see on a daily basis about how a good mom puts her kids first, and setting boundaries with your family can be accompanied by a hefty dose of mom guilt. Whenever possible, try and use natural consequences. This is especially true of difficult family members, but it is important to keep in mind that your needs are just as important as that person’s needs.

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